I thought I’d write you a letter since I didn’t get to put a word in when we last talked.
Who can blame you right?
Why should you listen to anything I say?…
I broke your heart.
I’m almost certain this paper will be torn into pieces before the first word gets read.
But in the off chance that you will give it a glance, I want you to see this clearly…
I LOVE YOU.
I know you said it’s useless to you now but I just had to say it.
Not to make myself feel better, this is probably one of the rare occasions when I am not thinking about myself.
This is for you.
This is what I feel for you and I know you will hate me even more for saying it after everything has ended, but it’s something you need to know.
It was never you, it was always me.
And I know you told me not to resort to clichés but it’s true.
You were everything I could have ever asked for.
I was just an ungrateful, selfish, heartless, brainless coward.
You were the dream come true that I turned into a nightmare by being too busy sleeping.
I was scared.
This was not supposed to happen.
I didn’t want to be with you but I couldn’t get you off my mind.
I tried to prevent it from becoming worse by limiting our contact to touch.
I was a man after-all.
Some of us do these things all the time.
Some of us even parade it.
Why shouldn’t I?
You were crazy enough to agree to it.
I was going to keep it physical, purely sexual.
But I just had to keep you for one more hour… and another.
And before I knew it, I was watching you sleep in my arms and all I could think of was how lucky I was to be the man holding you.
Before I knew it, I was checking all your facebook activities.
Hoping that status update was about me.
Wishing I was with you in every check-in.
Wondering where that man, whose arm was around you in a picture, lived and if he would look as happy without his teeth.
You consumed me.
There was not an hour I didn’t think of you.
My days were spent looking forward to the nights that I can feel you again.
Some nights I thought about crossing the line.
Some nights I wanted to ask you so many questions… like why do you smile so much when you sleep? Like why would you settle for this set up? Like who are you thinking of when you stare painfully in space? Like can you tell me where to find the pieces so I can put you back together? Like would you want to go out for dinner some time?
Most nights the questions got stuck inside.
Other nights they got said when it was impossible for you to hear, like when you were asleep… or in the shower, or laughing really hard at the TV.
Some nights I actually saw forever in your eyes.
It was terrifying.
I have never felt this way before and I didn’t know if I could handle more.
You are beautiful and smart and amazing and I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it.
I didn’t know how to treat you right because there was always an inkling feeling that it was wrong.
I couldn’t even introduce you to my friends, let alone my family.
This is not the right place for whatever we had.
We had no chance.
When my parents told me they found the girl for me to marry… I was furious.
I was so angry… at them, at the poor girl I never even met, at myself most of all.
I wasn’t ready to end what we had… whatever it was.
I actually considered screaming “But daddy I love HIM!!”
That’s when I found out I did.
And when I realized I could not say it out loud, that’s when I knew I had to let you go.
You deserve more than I could ever offer.
You deserve someone who will hold your hand and be proud to be the man you are with.
You deserve someone who is not scared of how good you make him feel and who is dedicated to making you feel the same if not better.
You deserve “I love you’s” whispered in your ears, written on love notes, played on boom boxes, shouted at your window.
You deserve an I love you that doesn’t end with a sorry… or a goodbye.
You deserve to be with someone who will acknowledge your pain, embrace your insecurities and kiss your fears away.
You deserve the man I wish I was but will never be.
Do not think that I chose her over you.
In time, I hope you see that I actually chose your happiness over mine.
You will never be completely happy with me.
I can only promise you nights… never tomorrows.
I had to leave you to give you a real chance at happiness.
And I had the perfect excuse to leave.
Oddly, I found myself thanking my parents who barely knew who I was and the girl who will never live up to your smiles because if it were all up to me, I would have never had the strength to let you go.
I’m sorry… for everything.
I didn’t know what to do with you and the emotions that you made me feel.
All I ever heard when I was younger was how a man loves a woman… they even had a song for it.
No one ever told me what to do when a man loves a man… in a place like this more so.
I am terrified and confused.
I agree when you said I didn’t have the right to act as hurt as you are.
But you have to know that my heart stops when I think of the times we had together and it explodes every time I am reminded that we will never have it again.
It might be impossible for you to believe, but this is hard for me too.
In a better place and time, I swear I would never allow this to happen.
I swear I will never fall for you.