Waves by Fatma AlSumaiti

I have this urge to cry endless tears. It starts at my center. I feel it churn within this gap of infinite emptiness that is my heart. You broke my heart even though you tip toed around it. For years you just put your life jacket on and floated in the vicinity of my consciousness. I let you float at first because indifference was my state of mind. I let you float until I gulped in your waters and started drowning in feelings.  Feelings that made me notice your eyes. They were always brown, weren’t they? Were they always this deep? This talkative?  And your skin, it is the kind of white that does not amuse my eyes. Yet somehow, the way red creeps into your face whenever you laugh too hard or struggle to articulate a thought simply cripples my lungs. 

I don’t know what’s happened to me. To my heart. To my mind that was always in command.

There is a fracture within me. I think it’s called love. You know when they say love completes you? I think that is a notion created by people who mistook love for a cure rather than a fist that takes and breaks your core into endless scattering pieces.  A propelling force that pushes you to its farthest limits and pulls you back as it pleases.

There are days when distractions steal your silhouette away from my thoughts.  I forget you. Your voice. Your eyes.  Then I hear it.  The sound of a crawling beast ready to lunge at me.   But it doesn’t lunge.  It races the wind and drowns me with a shattering force.

Tonight, I sit down on the ground and feel as if I am sinking into the massive hole of nothingness within my chest. I feel the urge to reach in with my hand and try to close that endless gap. Maybe diminish it and try to fill it with any emotion that is not nothingness. It seems as if this world of nothingness is stretching further and further within the borders of myself. Taking over colonies of my being and trying to wither them away.  I’ll wake up tomorrow and bury myself with distractions.  But tonight, now, I’ll submerge myself in pain.  In nothingness.  Because for the life of me I cant seem to remember how it was before your soul took residence within mine.

 

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