Four years riding a wave of love: that’s what it was like, being with you. The highs were high, but the lows pulled me down, down, down: drowning.
Four years: a lifetime, it seems. But now you are out of my life. The waters have calmed and I the sea is peaceful, inviting. Gentle rolling waves beckon. No more highs, no more lows. No more you.
Four years: some might say I gave up. Did I? Not I. I, who would stand by your side, always loyal, always there. I did not see that I was the strong one all along.
When the waves began to frighten me with their power, to pull me under so that I lost my footing, my balance, my sanity: then I saw the truth. It was not that I did not care about you. You did not care: About yourself. About me. I knew then that I would be left to ride the waves alone, and that is not how I want to live my life.
Waves: from a distance, so beautiful, so powerful, so appealing! I wanted to ride them with you. But that same power and beauty turned out to be deceptive. Waves are dangerous. Beguiling. If you cannot trust your partner, you are safer to ride them alone. One false step is one too many: it took me four years to learn this.
Oh, you would say, we are together, we are one. But I began to see that you were on your own path. I could come along, but in the end you would leave me in your wake. I gave. You took. I believed in you, in us. You believed too – in you.
Four years: how does this happen? How does a love built on solid ground become an unstable ride on dark, icy seas? How does love turn to treachery? How did this happen to us? To me? What did I not see?
Four years: in the beginning, you made me whole. You taught me how to shine. You found my best parts and taught me how to use them. Then you used me. But you also taught me to believe in myself, and soon I did. In the end, this saved me from the plunge into uncertain icy waters, into darkness, into the abyss.
Four years: how, after you had made me whole, made me love you and made me believe I loved myself, how did it come to this?
Each wave was a hazardous ride. The exhilaration of riding side by side with you had once strengthened me; somehow, this turned into fear. Instead of joy, there was terror. You were riding the wave alone, after all. I thought you were my safety net. More often than not, I was yours.
Four years: they seem like a lifetime. But my life is not over yet. I can face the seas alone now, knowing that I am strong enough to master them myself. The white foamy sea, the powerful tug of the universe, the ability to ride things out and remain standing and victorious: these are now mine.
When I choose to let someone else into my life, I will be wiser. All because of four years
Four years with you.