50 Shades of Grey
Without me even realising you slipped back into my life.
I fall into your arms, I am comforted by your cold embrace as you drain from me my emotions.
I take sanctuary. I withdraw from my mind.
You provide an emptiness which I can fill.
Taking in every inch of me, I fall deep and hard, hitting the bottom with such severity everything numbs.
I carry on like nothing has changed, tricking myself into the delusion that I am still ok.
Tricking you into my illusion that I am still ok.
But you entice confusion, lying just beneath the surface and I’m so scared because I don’t notice that you have come.
I don’t notice that every little thing suddenly feels numb.
But that is how you control me, like a marionette I am enchanted by your command,
Moving to the somber beat of your rhythm sleep, eat, repeat.
Nothing is exciting anymore
Nothing is appealing when you’re here
Nothing is everything I feel
The blues play with my skin, hopelessness smooths itself over my contours,
Anxiety creeps into the crevasses of my limbs,
Leaving me vulnerable to the vultures of my own thoughts.
Skulking in the shadows, selfishly you deny me any pleasure as you pull me closer, you shut my mind off and my eyes cease to see how anything can bring happiness to me.
What a dangerous place I am in when I fall.
I beg to feel something right now, lust, anger, pain, just something small would be so much better than this… nothing at all.
But by the time I realise you are here you are almost gone. Halfway out the door you are slipping away and I try to drag you back. I want to confront you. I want answers as to why you come. I demand to know why you make everything numb.
But as quietly as you come you vanish. And I am left in the dark to banish the mess you left behind.
Slowly light returns and I can unwind. Over whelmed with emotion life starts to shift back to normal and you are replaced by love and laughter. By people who remind me to live.
Warm hearts embrace me
Warm hearts lead me
Warm hearts let me feel again
But I am always waiting for you to return, and when the sun in shining at full strength, that’s when I know it’s only for so long I can keep you at arm’s length.