Aftertaste by Hawra’a Khalfan

Every morning
You wake up.
You wake up and
seek this feeling;
this taste;
this smell;
this… thing. 

Can you imagine?
Can you imagine
being addicted
to something that
stabs you in the spine
you give in to it?
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine
feeling so deserted that
your only solitude is
a figment?
a thought?
Past memories?
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine
constantly asking yourself-
What good are these memories?
What good is a past you can’t go back and fix?

And that aroma.
That aroma that it grants both;
calms and drowns you
in waves of panic.
That taste.
The taste it leaves in your mouth is that of a feeling;
a mood;
a sense of belonging.
A sense of belonging that is responsible for your incomprehensible emptiness.

You fall asleep.
You fall asleep and you feel cupped in thoughts of
“yet still, I love him”
after every reason that whispers to you that you should hate him.
That you should despise him.
After every sign;
every justification you give yourself.
After all the justifiable wrongs that he did.
The comprehensible wrongs
that you give him excuses for.
All because of your stupid big selfless heart.
All because of this stupid little selfish heart that wants nothing but him.

Every morning.
Every morning you wake up
And think of one moment.
A moment that is replayed over and over in your head.
A moment you’ve replayed so many times;
you don’t even know if you can even trust your brain with it’s replays anymore.

And then you blame yourself because
your own mind is the reason you’re hurting.
Your own stupid little selfish selfless heart is the reason you’re hurting.
Some mornings you wish you fought for him
Some mornings you wish you never met him
Some mornings you’re nothing but numb.
Until that taste;
that smell;
that moment that you put the coffee cup to your lips and sip.
Until after you gulp and that bitter taste reminds you of
the first time you met him over a cup of coffee.
That aftertaste completes your full cycle of thoughts
and you can get up and try to forget about him again.

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