Your Ouija-board feel and your venomous touch,
I miss your corruption and simultaneously swerve into the fray,
you take over and I lose all ability to reason,
I haven’t seen life through a rose-tint in quite some time,
but when I’m destructive with you it only makes sense,
finding order in the chaos, Continue reading
I never knew sadness could take hold of a heart so tightly.
Didnt know it could clutch to it
Sinking its talons deep inside
Never knew a heart could feel so heavy
So swollen and bruised
Never felt like it could ooze out with poison before
I never experienced this kind of longing
The kind that could cause your brittle heart to want to claw its way out of its cage
There I was, driving down the lonely road, afflicted with despair, watching the dense rain pour and the raindrops splat on my cracked windshield just as my thoughts fell on my shattered heart and splattered feelings all over me.
The swift and stormy night was leading me into the pitch black sky, into the dark road, where I saw no hopeful light.
As the loud crack of thunder rumbled across my spine, I saw her sitting across the road. I tried to steal a closer look and I could see the fear in her wide, innocent eyes, yearning for help, the wind blowing across her worried face and the invincible rain getting her all cold and wet. That beautiful soul was clearly lost and didn’t deserve to be.
I approached to her with my arms wide open as she pounced on my lap and rubbed her fluffy fur against me. She looked at me with utter joy and relief, like I was her saviour and I knew that moment that she was going to cherish me forever. But it was the other way round.
Nothing has ever felt softer on my weathered skin. It’s a trick, like the inner workings of a wizard’s dream, that something – a lifeless object could be so tender and welcoming. A man made “Mr. Cuddles”, as it’s written here, would bring me a piece of warmth. In subzero temperatures, a cold frigid nuclear winter and the daily battle between sunlight and fog. This stuffed animal motionless and yet so colorful. My eyes trained for so long on recognizing no more than the grey and black of what’s left of the trees and ghosts. Never seen so many colors concentrated on one matter… “Mother base, there are no signs of any survivors in zone B113.” I reported my last findings to our forward operating station and… I couldn’t take my eyes off this teddy bear – I wanted to bring it back to base for one of the survivors’ children but I could risk contamination. I have never locked eyes with an object for so long. As if they were eyes; two dark and hollow dots of plastic flanking a bear-like nose all wearing a faint smile.
I am not my diamond solitaire
I am not the precious jewels I wear
I am not the silk gown I wear
I am not the brands that adorn me
My title or properties don’t define me
Fancy dies as the aging beauty resides
No man woman child
Spared from the clutch of satan in disguise
So bewilder in vanity and roam in missteps
That life is only a buffoon
Disgraced by gemstones Continue reading
Oh, how I wish I was a pair of glasses
so I could see the world through your eyes
How I wish I was a long scarf
So I could wrap myself around you in disguise
How I wish I was a pretty handbag
So you would reach me in need
Lay me down and fillet me down,
poking at me with a butterfly knife,
bruised black with red dots like an inverse ladybug,
I’m your voodoo doll,
one stab at me is tenfold at you,
every laceration I see you contort in torment like unattended clay on a sculpting bench,
I hold you in a place where deviancy is maintained and desires are uninhibited,
We were always at odds, my father and I. He’d take a swift left, I a shaky right. His feet were nailed to the ground, and my fingers clung to the clouds. Numbers, algorithms, elements whispered into his ears and swirled him into becoming a stoic man, whose every thought was stagnant. He could never find the right words, only the right possibilities. He tried to teach me many things, but I never listened. Questions that had no answers didn’t appeal to him. He never liked what he couldn’t understand; he never liked me. One day, I felt wronged by a teacher at high school; so, I confided in him. Continue reading
Slipping and slithering
Smiling in gratitude to
her addiction to
she succeeded. Continue reading
Hot red lips in the eyes of a lover
gripping chain of the past
Black sorrow grasping at the chain of fear too,
weary and shallow
Leaves are wilted, scarlet petals withering
A fiery haze in his halo Continue reading
There was that single playing on the Homepod you said it was a hit in the eighties even though we are both children of the nineties. You spent a hundred-dollars of our money, most of it is my hard-earned, on a ‘best hits’ record of 80s various artists. You grew out a ‘fuck off’ handlebar moustache and dressed in hot pink shirts, it made me laugh if anything… The hairspray mullet, thick Ray-Bans, skinny Levis jeans and your lanky physique; let’s just say it stood out very, very well. Then you sold your old KIA for a 1980 Trans Am. You surprised me on my birthday pulling up in the muscle car while blasting Bon Jovi – here, I knew you lost it! And it was all because of that one time I might have said: “I find the eighties interesting…” Continue reading
She sat nodding and smiling,
Trying to be happy, busy following.
Successfully deceiving herself and everyone,
The perfect sycophant that she had become.
Finding peace in shade of a man,
For her, who was like a banyan tree.
She was busy in pleasing and nurturing the tree,
For it provided her with shade and societal glee. Continue reading
You have been tricked
You have been lied to
You have been given false promises
You have been stabbed
You have been abused
You have been lost
You have been left alone
You have been through so much pain Continue reading
I can see
Someone who has lived
who has loved, who gave everything
Yet they were betrayed and stabbed
I can see someone who at a moment
of pain and sadness
When everyone around was weak
was told to harden, to become a pillar Continue reading
Today I wear my holy hollowed halo from hell
And I say hello
I have managed to break through
The hard shell has induced in softness
The indoctrinating veil has shaken in panic
I cross over with a different mind and views
Through thorough thoughts… though
To be able to step on the other side
What is commonly known as heaven
Is to be able to see what your mind sees
When it makes you see what you are supposed to see Continue reading
her cold knuckles
punching the world.
the cause of
her now broken voice box.
minute resting restless body. Continue reading
Here I am, in the middle of this superfluous wheat field, no walls, no isolated corners, no stern nurses, no weeping visitors, no tormented patients, just me, the fresh air, and you, my beautiful canvas. Oh, and those voices too.
You have always been by me when my best muse, someone who I inferred to be my soulmate refused to save me from those four walls, when my brother saw in my eyes the yearning for liberty and inspiration yet left me for those vicious doctors or when my very own audience petitioned to send me to the asylum when I thought I conveyed my sorrow to them through you, dear canvas. Continue reading
Lazarus is asleep,
no awakening – no weep.
Only a false prophet,
and the evening’s chef,
a performance upon a table
where we feast.
There is an awakening,
there is a beast,
not one of valor,
but one of wrath.
Havoc meets the eye;
flood and fire – worship you,
their names on your blood,
their frames on your walls;
it runs deep. Continue reading